Ashley Louise

this is me…

SO i don’t get it, why do I turn people off.  I wish someone would just tell me what i do that is so wrong. I feel like people just don’t really know the real me so hear it goes.

I am very girly, I love dressing up and doing my hair. I have more clothes than fit in my dorm and I sill don’t think I have enough.  I won’t go anywhere with out make-up and it takes a lot for me to let you see me with out it. The truth is that I self conscious of myself, I know I’m not ugly but I don’t really think there is anything special about me looks wise.I compare myself to others all the time. I break out like a pepperoni pizza the instant i get stressed.      

I shop more than my bank account likes. It is not even that i always shop for clothes or myself.  I just love sales and buying things for others.  I love helping people and making them smile. I just joined a service fraternity, because I wanted to be able to help. I want to make a difference in someone’s life. I want to save as many people from the pain I have had to go through my entire life. I would not wish it upon anyone. 

I’m a mess and I mess everything good that comes into my life. I always do something wrong and never anything right. I am needy. When I meet a person who I truly like or love, I suffocate them till they leave me. I hold on to them, because I am so scared that they will leave me like everyone else has in my life. I don’t mean to do it and honestly most of the time i am suffocating them I am just trying to make them happy, yet I never do. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever made any one happy in this world or if in turn I am just causing them pain that I am trying to hid them from. 

I am  probably the most lone sad person you will meet. yeah i have friends and from the out side most people are jealous of my life. The thing is noone can see what i do. No one sees the times i’m blown off or in a crowd of people were noone is even talking to me. You see the guys all over me who only want one thing and its not to get to know me. the problem is i give it to them more than i don’t and I hate that, because I am just longing for those few mins of feeling wanted or loved. that I spend most of my time feeling not good enough, that I long for the feeling of being loved. It is horrible and I always feel horrible and bad about it. but it is like my own personal drug, my addition that I don’t want to live with out. Its like once you feel the high of ecstasy or whatever you can’t give it up. Once it is gone you go back realizing how much this world sucks and how depressed you(I) really am. 

The thing is I found the best thing that could ever happen to me. I was happy, felt things I had never before. Shared more things with this person than anyone in this world. We were best friends, lovers, more. Yet, once I got a taste of it i couldn’t let it go. I messed up like I normally do. He loved me, well at least i think he did. Apparently, I never made him happy like he did me. So did I force him into being with me? Was he scared to leave?  How am I suppose to trust this person who apparently care and loves me, but just wants to be friends?! I can’t. I don’t trust him at all. so, as we are trying to be friends and maybe a second, third whatever chance I am pushing him away because I don’t trust him.  The cherry on top of it, is he is doing one thing that hurts me more than anything in this world and knows it, yet doesn’t stop doing it after he has repeatedly said he would. So there is the problem, another strike against me trusting him. I don’t how can I when someone I love and says they love me just does things to hurt me in my face multiple times a day to my face.  Yet, I can’t leave. It’s my ecstasy i can’t give it up. i love him to much, I know it will be a mistake to not try it. yet, that will never come. 

so, this is tearing my heart into pieces. I can’t think or focus on anything. I am more depressed then ever. Its like the world has turn black in white and all I see is bad, not glimpse of hope no good nothing. My heart is pounding in my head and chest ripping apart. I can’t take it any more. I just want it all to be over..